When I first saw House of Taboo, I was confused and intrigued. What could this house contain? Is it a place of taboos against substances, where smoking and drinking are forbidden? Or perhaps one of the dietary taboos, where you’re not allowed to eat breakfast foods for dinner? A house where all you can do is listen to Denzel Curry’s critically acclaimed 2018 album titled Taboo on a constant loop?

Thankfully, it was none of those things. For all of the bad things that go on in the world, we’re still free from such a restrictive place. House of Taboo is centered around taboo porn of a much more entertaining variety: BDSM porn.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You can’t even convince a girl to let you fuck her fully clothed in the missionary position with the lights off for the sole purpose of procreation, so obviously, you have a lot to learn when it comes to stuff like this.

So let’s start with the basics, shall we? What is BDSM?

The B stands for bondage: basically, using ropes, handcuffs, and whatever else can be found to restrict and restrain a person into a variety of positions. You can tie a girl to a bed, hang her from the ceiling, or just bind her and leave her immobile on the floor. I know you’ll never find a girl willing to let you do this to her, but hey, that’s what porn is for. Or, if you’re into it, it’s probably easier to find one who will tie you up. Just don’t blame me when she leaves you tied to the bed and decides to rob you instead of riding your cock as she promised.

Next up is the D: this one is a two-parter standing for dominance and submission. In the BDSM subculture, you’re either a dom (somebody who takes control and gets what he wants) or a sub (basically a sex object to be used by the dom). Being a dom is obviously the best role here, but I recognize that not everyone is like me. If you want to be abused by some big strong girl be my guest, but my preference here is to take control of a tiny little slut by showing her who’s boss.

S and M go together to stand for sadomasochism—inflicting and receiving pain for sexual enjoyment. Once again, I prefer staying on one side of this. If you haven’t experienced it, you might not understand the pleasure of making a big-butted whore beg to be spanked until her ass gets so red that she cries and begs for you to stop. Granted, you’re once again more likely to be on the receiving end of these beatings… but at least you’ll have the joy of knowing you’re bringing somebody else pleasure, I guess?

As an added bonus, BDSM is basically the only way you can beat the shit out of a girl without going to prison. If you’re getting a bit fed up with your girlfriend and want to slap her around without consequences, introduce her to the world of BDSM porn. Then, next time she starts going on and on about her problems at work, suggest that you relax with a nice video from House of Taboo. Start dropping hints about trying it for real. If she suggests it, you’ve got plausible deniability. Don’t come to me if that doesn’t hold up in court, though.

But What’s The Porn Like?

The first thing you’ll see when logging on is an assortment of the latest videos. They come out with a new one a few times a month. Granted, that might not seem sufficient for a dedicated porn fan (also known as somebody who never gets laid) like yourself, but keep two things in mind.

First, they’re fairly long videos. They average over half an hour, with some coming up against the hour mark. They’re so hot that they’ll probably make a loser like you nut within a few minutes, so even the shorter ones should last you five or ten sessions.

Secondly, check out the size of the back catalog. House of Taboo isn’t new to this, and you get to reap the rewards of their experience. As of right now, they’ve got over 1,200 videos for you to watch on-demand, at no additional cost.

Even if you only watched one video a day, that’s like having a new video every single day for four years. Except for another year’s worth of videos will have been released by the time your daily BDSM era is over, so you’ll be able to watch those for year five. And oh wait, by then an idiot like you will probably have forgotten everything they watched in the first few years, so you can just keep the cycle going. For all intents and purposes, House of Taboo’s collection is infinite.

But, I hear you say. BDSM is so broad. What exactly does House of Taboo have to show me?

I’m happy to report that they have just about everything. If you were to consider House of Taboo a BDSM umbrella, it would be a top-of-the-line full coverage umbrella that protects you from even the worst storms. It would probably be made out of leather, too, with a spiked handle.

It’s got tying. It’s got whipping and spanking. It’s got leather and wax and pain and pleasure. If it comes to mind when you think of BDSM, rest assured that there will be more than a handful of videos on House of Taboo that focus on it. The site doesn’t discriminate and leaves no fetish left unexamined.

Be Prepared

But why bother with downloads when you can stream things? Oh you sweet summer child, you have so much to learn.

Consider the following. It’s an incredibly hot summer day. As the mercury reaches its limits, so does the power grid as it attempts to cope with thousands of sweaty losers like you pushing their underpowered air conditioning units to the max. Suddenly, the whole city is out of power.

The people flock to the streets. From your bedroom window, you spot a girl. A pretty girl. Despite the heat, she’s wearing a pair of tight leather pants. You get hard. You notice that she’s wearing a choker—the telltale sign of a slut that wants to be tied up and abused.

For the first time in weeks, you step outside, braving the elements for a chance to finally make your BDSM dreams into a reality. You mumble something about wanting to tie her to your bed, but she frowns and walks away quickly. You blew it.

You have two options. You can assume that her rejection was all part of that act and what she actually wants is for you to chase after her, pick her up, tie her up in your basement and keep her as a sex slave, or you can retreat to the safety of your bedroom and jerk off to the porn that you saved from House of Taboo.

Oh, wait, you didn’t listen to me? You didn’t save any? The power is out, dipshit, you can’t use your precious streaming over 3G now. I hope you’ve got the willpower to stop yourself from taking that hot slut, or you might be spending the next twenty years in another kind of dungeon. And I promise you that once you’re there, you’re definitely going to be a sub.