I don't have a partner, PornDude. What's the next best thing to satisfy yourself sexually?

Plenty of people find the luxury of buying adult toys very enjoyable. Sexual wellness and trying new things to become a better lover is important in a relationship! In 2020, you can do it all online on the internet and completely anonymous, so you don’t need to have any awkward conversations. The possibility of you feeling like a "sick fuck" is almost non-existent, since you can do it all from the comfort of your home. I mean, I don't see myself buying sex furniture in some IKEA franchise, sex novelties in Walmart or anal bleach, and edible sensual massage oil in the local grocery store.

Why would I be interested in adult toys?

Maybe you're single and tired of fucking the vacuum cleaner, or are you looking to spice up your sex life as a couple? Feel like exploring the kama sutra? Want to know where you can find your favorite (male) sex toys? What's the best online sex shop? Who ships internationally for free? My job at ThePornDude is to give you advice on buying and selling products from adult entertainment stores.

What kind of sex toys can I buy and are they cheap?

Amazon is known for having the cheapest prices on the online market, so you don't have to worry about overpaying. These websites on my porn list can be used for purchasing adult sex toys for men and other orgasm stimulating adult products. For example, a rabbit dildo, Hitachi magic wand vibrator, sex doll, penis sleeve, fake pocket pussy, fleshlight, Sybian, sex swings, porn DVD/BluRay, or latex condoms for safe sex; you’ll love the experience with your girlfriend or solo! (My favorite brands are Trojan and Durex) Yes, you can also buy lubricant, lube, and lotion here, if you can't get your girl's pussy wet anymore and a schoolgirl mini skirt with nylon panties, you pervert!

Can these sites help me, if I have a small dick or premature ejaculation problem?

So, you cum too fast, and you want to last longer than foreplay, delay ejaculation and prolong pleasure, but you're too embarrassed to visit a doctor or nurse? Got sexual health, low libido, sex drive or erection issues and you can't stay hard during intercourse? Do you have a small dick problem, and you want a bigger/thicker cock?

Believe me, size matters! You don't want to be stuck with a micro dick and be ridiculed the next time you get laid with a chick, after a party. I bet you want to buy a penis pump, male enhancement pills, erection creams, prostate supplements, penis ring, or testosterone capsules/gels. Or what about performance enhancement sprays to enlarge your length, grid, and boost your stamina can do miracles, so you can impress her with a big pornstar cock. It'll double the fun, and she'll return the favor for sure by telling all her female friends what a fucking stud you are! Who knows, it could even lead to a threesome ;)

How do I become a sex toy tester?

LOL, I knew you no life furry hermits were going to ask this question! This sure sounds like your dream job for all you pro masturbators that have nothing better to do than to play video games all day long and jerk off wasting your degenerated jizz that would only pollute the gene pool. Since nobody wants to see your ugly retarded ass on Twitch and people would rather donate money to keep you off that platform, it looks like this may be the only way to stop parasitizing on your parents' money and do something with your life. If you're thinking of switching your career of professional arm wrestler and become rich by playing with your dick, it's your lucky day!

Link: YouTube (How a typical virgin nerd's arm looks like!)

ThePornDude's guide to getting free sextoys:

1. Create a shopping account on one of the shops on my list. Do not use a photo of your penis as your profile picture! Unless you're testing out the latest penis pump and you want to show your before/after pics, nobody gives a single fuck!
2. You must have bought products from these stores before and have reviews written about them in your account. Nobody likes freeloaders! They need to see that you have what it takes to be a tester. Sending "dick pics" or images of your right arm that looks more muscular than Arnold Schwarzenegger will NOT help you!
3. Make sure you have the correct address of your mom's basement noted down, so your new "girlfriend" doesn't end with the wrong motherfuckers!
4. Set up a public wishlist of the shit that you would like to try out. Make sure that you keep it up to date with the latest products, so you increase your chances of being "the chosen one" to test them.
5. Patiently wait, until they contact you by email. Do NOT spam the forum as a desperate loser or call customer support to sexually harass the lady on the other side, demanding her to send you a silicone blow-up doll, Tenga egg, or Pornhub's twerking butt!

I can't wait to check out these erotic shops, PornDude. Anything else I should know about these places?

You can be confident and satisfied that you’ll get a delivery thanks to the trusted nature of these worldwide, cheap, and top-rated stores in my collection. It makes sense that for some, buying $100 worth of male fox tail butt plugs, female nipple clamps, rope, hood mask, gag ball, collar, whip, handcuffs, and a womanizer clitoral/vaginal pump is pretty shameful. That said, do you know what’s even worse? Spending $100 on a kit of sexy lingerie, fetish wear, VR gear, or strap-on accessories and never get the stuff delivered to your place! You can forget your erotic fantasy or a kinky game of master and slave BDSM bondage then.

Anyways, I just got a message that the delivery guy dropped off my fuck master pro 5000 inflatable blow-up doll with six-speed pulsating non-drip semen collecting elasticized pussy, so I'm off to check out my new girlfriend at home! I made you jealous, right? Grab your credit card and check what's on sale, fuckers!