I’m known for spending almost every waking moment looking at porn, but sometimes even I need to get out for some real tail. In the old days, being attached to a computer or phone meant missing out on real interaction, but these days it just makes shit easier. Dating websites like Badoo connect you almost directly to waiting and willing poon.

The best-looking dating site in the world isn’t much good if the place is a virtual ghost town with nobody to fuck. I checked the numbers before I even loaded up Badoo, so I already know we’re not wasting our time on that front. The site is currently pulling around 140 million viewers per month. Let's try to bang one, shall we?

I Want to Get Laid on Badoo

Badoo has been around for more than a decade, which is practically a lifetime in Internet years. They got started in 2006 as yet another company offering quizzes and games on Facebook. Somehow they spun their momentum into something completely different. They launched their own standalone site in 2012, and by 2016 had one of the most downloaded dating apps in the world.

One interesting thing about Badoo is that they don’t actually call themselves a dating website. We know what you’re doing there and so do they, but Badoo prefers to present itself as a social media network that just happens to be a good place to find a date. If you happen to meet someone worth smashing on the site, hey, everybody wins.

Their demographic breakdown is worth looking at. This isn’t a site full of older folks looking for long-term relationships, and it’s not full of jailbait waiting to ruin your life. It’s full of adults under 35 looking for casual dating, hookups, and flings.

No horny straight dude wants to go to a sausage fest. A dating site is useless if the proportion of guys to gals is off, but Badoo is looking fucking golden. It ain’t even equal. This site boasts a whopping 60% female user base. Well, maybe boast is the wrong word. They don’t actually mention the fact anywhere on the site.

Step One to Get Down: Get In

A giant number on the Badoo’s landing page ticks steadily upward. Almost half a billion people have already signed up. If you already have Facebook, you can use those credentials to sign up instantly via a button right beneath the ticker. Alternately, if you’re worried your grandma will find out you’re looking for NSA blowjobs, gain entry by answering a few questions.

Are you male or female? What’s your name, date of birth, location and email address or cell phone number? Pick a password and click Create Account. Confirm your account via the link in your email box. Boom!

Actually, it’s not that simple. I used a photo of Christian Bale without a shirt instead of myself. I figured it would be easier to get laid if I was the actual, real-life Batman. I didn’t realize there’d be a verification step before I could play. Badoo asked me to take a photo matching a gesture they showed me. I didn’t look enough like Bruce Wayne to get in.

I tried again. After getting a message saying the Christian Bale pic was inappropriate, they let me in using a few images of own face. It was a pain in the ass, but that’s a good thing. You’re less likely to be catfished by a fat guy with a few pics of some model he’s stalking.

Badoo Says I’m a Loser

Sometimes I feel like I’m a little hard on you creeps, calling you deviants while I’m telling you where to score really good anal taboo porn. It’s all in good fun when I do it, though. Badoo is just fucking mean.

Once you’re logged in, Badoo drops you off on your profile page. If you’re new, like I am, you get all kinds of shit about how you’re not fully set up because you haven’t entered all your info. That’s normal for any social interaction site.

Most sites don’t say things like “Popularity: Very Low”. I get that there’s a popularity rating that’s going to factor into how easily I get laid, but damn, that’s some cold-ass phrasing.

I’d be way more forgiving about Badoo calling me a loser if they weren’t so transparent about why they were calling me a loser. It’s partly because the score gives their algorithms something to work with, but it’s also so they can get money out of me.

What? Did you think it was really going to be free? Nothing on the Internet is. Every site is either going to sell you something, show you ads, or collect your personal info to auction off to the highest bidder. I guess Badoo gets points for being upfront about it. They want to upsell you as soon as you log in.

What’s a Dollar Get You?

Literally right underneath my Very Low Popularity score is a button that claims it will Increase Popularity. Clicking a mouse sounds like a deceptively easy way of becoming cool that couldn’t possibly work out, but I clicked it anyway.

Badoo sells credits that afford you a variety of perks. You can spend them to bump up your search results, promote your best selfies, have your profile featured and get more fans, and earn Likes. That Increase Popularity button leads you to a purchase page, where you can buy bundles of credits starting at around $40.

The numbers they throw at you are utter nonsense, but I’m sure they work on stupid people. Badoo claims you’re getting a $72 value for $40, and that you get a bonus 1,340 credits on top of the 1,410 you’re actually paying for. Wow!

If that appeals to you, I’ve also got Porn Dude points on sale. A million goes for a mere hundred, with a triple combo bonus modifier if you buy today. Like Badoo, I won’t tell you exactly what those points buy you until after I have your money. Badoo also offers a Premium mode starting at under a buck per day, so make sure to bring your wallet to this free dating site.

Just like everywhere else in life, having some extra money to burn gets you to the front of the line. Premium accounts mean let you chat with popular users first, have your messages seen first, view profiles without anyone knowing, and chat up new users as soon as they join.

At Least the Girls Look Good

One truly positive thing about Badoo is you can tell they’ve put a lot of time, effort, and money into a system that just works. Sure, they’re trying to upsell me at every turn, but so far I haven’t run into any bugs or poor site design. Everything seems to work as it’s supposed to.

I checked out the People Nearby, filtered to women ages 19 to 39, and Badoo served up a fine selection of smashable broads. There are some uglies, but it’s not a completely fucked-up ratio like on some sites. There are enough hot ones that I feel I should filter my results down a bit.

Maybe I’m missing out as a non-premium member, but the search filters are lacking. I’m not even sure how many pages of results I already have, but it’s a lot. My only options to whittle them down are narrowing the age range or distance I’m willing to travel. I can’t specify that I’m interested in girls who fuck on the first date, or that I like drinkers since I know they’re more likely to do anal.

Then again, maybe the presence of a bunch of fuckable women is enough to make Badoo worth a pervert’s time. I may be at the bottom of their list because I haven’t bought any credits, but a dating site only works as well as your game, anyway. I clicked the Chat Now button on a hot Latina’s profile.

“Hey baby,” I wrote, my standard opening line. “Show bobs and vagene plz. I fuck on u with big coke so good all night log.”

I’ll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, the site’s another pool of girls to date and/or hook up with. Badoo is oriented more towards the latter, making it a decent option to look for casual sex. The full feature set costs money, but let’s be honest--so does getting your dick wet.