Bed Page! The Internet is a goddamn miracle. I know I spend a lot of time going on and on about how the web has ushered in a golden age of hardcore pornography, but the net’s got other things to offer us as well. You can buy a truck, get a band together, or find somebody to recover all that porn you thought you lost off your hard drive. People say the net separates and isolates people, but you can use it to chat up broads, get a date or find a hooker to slob your knob for a while. BedPage.com can help you do all of these things and more.

It’s Like BackPage, but with Bed in the Name

BedPage popped up on the web in 2018. It may have been brand fucking new, but the design was instantly familiar and recognizable. Johns who have been finding escorts online for a while knew what they were looking at without even being told. BedPage themselves spell it out with a number of pages linked in their footer: Alternative to Backpage, Best Sites Like Backpage, and New Backpage Personals. Each one features a lengthy spiel meant to convince you (and Google) they are, indeed, a replacement for Backpage.

In case you were living in a cave or just weren’t keeping up on your Internet hooker news, the feds cracked down on Backpage not long before BedPage appeared. Craigslist, another longtime refuge for whores and their customers, decided to pussy out preemptively and removed their adult listings before anybody even said anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a #MeToo angle with those dirty hippies, too.

BedPage set out to be a full-fledged replacement for either, even though they only needed to be a replacement for the adult listings. I honestly think it’s funny as fucking hell that people are posting non-sexual listings on a site that was made specifically so people had a place to hire hookers again. The classified ads are broken up into a bunch of sections that have nothing to do with hooking up or paying for sex, but the Adult section is given a very prominent position on the page. It seems like the rest is window dressing, but people are using it, so what the fuck do I know?

“Hey, man. I was thinking of listing some commercial property to rent and maybe finding somebody to attend my garden. Oh, and maybe hire a dominatrix to step on my balls for a couple of hours. You know any websites like that?”

Hookers, Strippers, Daycare and Classes

I know what kind of perverts read this website, and I know what you want to read about. I should probably at least touch on what’s available here besides escorts, strippers, dominatrixes and totally wholesome body rubs. I wouldn’t review Walmart and only mention the condom and lotion aisles. Well, I probably would, but let me pretend to be professional for a minute.

Like the Internet classified sites that it’s meant to emulate, BedPage’s categories break down broadly into what you’d find in a newspaper classified section. There are people selling vehicles and parts, antiques and jewelry, computers, tools and pet supplies. There are job listings and services available. You can rent a house or even buy one, hype your local restaurant or get involved in a community discussion about childcare, volunteering or local classes.

There is a Dating section, broken down by who is seeking who. Find yourself a dude, a lady, or a tranny. Have a fling or meet the love of your life and get married.

And then, when you’re done with all that respectable shit, you can come back to the Adult section. That’s where you’ll find the phone sex and real sex, the escorts, and the strippers, the erotic masseuses and adult job listings. All right, let’s get to the good stuff!

All Types of Grown-Up Shit for Grown-Ups

Before I get into the Adult section of listings, I should point out the Massage listings. You might think that these are all the wholesome kinds of massages you get your mom a gift card for, based on the fact that they’re not in the adult section, but you’d be wrong. For some unknown reason, BedPage has two different areas where they list erotic massages: Massages, filed under Services, and Bodyrubs, under Adult.

Other Adult sections include Dom and Fetish, Escorts, Male Escorts and TS. There are Adult Jobs, Phone and Websites, as well as Strippers and Strip Clubs. It’s a handful of pretty broad groups, but it’s hopefully enough to find exactly what you’re looking for, from the petite Asians who give footjobs to the busty blondes sucking cock and the trannies ready to put one in your face.

I figured I could fuck around looking at a website, but isn’t that what I do all day long anyway? Phone sex is fucking weak compared to the camwhores I’m used to, so I’ve got to tell you, the Escort listings appeal to me the most. Why settle for less than full penetration if I’m paying for it?

A Bunch of Internet Whores Screaming at You

Most escort sites these days are very visual. Hell, every fucking website these days is very visual. BedPage is like a blast from the past, looking pretty much exactly like Craigslist or Backpage when you dig into the listings. They are textbased, and they are an absolute fucking mess.

There are sponsored ads at the top of the screen before you get to the recently posted stuff, but it all looks the same. The page is a wall of text, HALF OF IT IN ALL CAPS, sOmE oF iT iN aLtErNaTiNg CaPs, much of it misspelled, with emojis just vomited everywhere with no rhyme or reason.

On other escort sites, you click on a pretty girl with a body that appeals to you. On BedPage, you don’t get to see the broad until you take a chance on a listing with a title like I’M ALWASY HORNEY (5 heart emojis and a checkmark) 100% (star, dog face, tongue emoji) SmOkInG HOTT! (peach emoji, eggplant) Jizzabella 22. There is very little useful information on the page other than the babe’s age. A few of the chicks, obviously a little more professional, will sometimes offer incall/outcall in their list title.

The blurbs in the listings are often written in the same emoji laden style, with plenty of ALL CAPS SCREAMING. The good news is that most of them do at least feature pictures. Thank fucking God. I just wish it was easier to see them. Each listing opens in a new tab, which is really a goddamn fucking joke compared to the thumbnail view of any modern escort/massage site.

Who Else Has Gardeners AND Crack Whores?

BedPage does have some things going for it. For example, you don’t have to sign up or anything to view the escort or masseuse contact info. You won’t leave a paper trail finding a paid lay on the site, just remember to clear your browser history or just tell your wife you were looking for a new lawnmower.

The thing is, most escort sites let you view contact info without registering. That’s fucking standard. I’d say BedPage is offering the very minimum of what you’d expect from an adult services site, but that just ain’t true either these days. Thumbnails are standard, as is a way to search for adult service providers with what you’re looking for. User reviews of the whores are also becoming a lot more popular, too. BedPage just leaves you on your own to figure out whether you’re looking at a legit shemale crack whore or just a crack addict trying to rip you off.

I guess you could point to the relative diversity of Adult listings as one of their selling points. Most escort sites don’t have an Adult Jobs area where you can meet a real-life, actual pimp to help sell your body.

Then again, it seems like most of the Adult listings are just more escorts/masseuses. Even in the Adult Jobs and the Website areas, I mostly see women offering hot hookups at low prices.

BedPage.com and their sister sites Ebackpage & Ibackpage are a little bit of a cluster fuck, but they still get a few million visits a month. I have to assume that’s mostly old fuckers who don’t realize there are much better ways to find a quick lay than this failure pile of emojis and gibberish. I’m sure you can get laid here, but you’re much better off anywhere else on my Escort Sites list.