Teen girls are the best. I like teenage girls because they’re hot, tight, and too naïve to understand that I’m not really a casting agent. You love them because the last time you ever spoke to a woman other than your mom without having to pay for the privilege was in high school, so somehow you’ve deluded yourself into believing that young girls might like you and might have sex with you. Only one of us is truly correct, but we both agree where it counts—teen girls are the best.

But if you’re the type who can’t get these pieces of perfection in person (also known as the type of person who reads porn reviews), teen girls can be more frustrating than anything. There’s just something about seeing a young girl in her prime, but knowing that nothing you do could ever convince her to touch you that creates this incurable craving deep inside. At least, I would assume: the only thing I’m getting deep inside are the hot eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds that wouldn’t so much as think about you, let alone get on her knees and slob on your knob.

So instead, I get to bask in the glory that comes with not being a hideous, unattractive neckbeard while you masturbate alone in your bedroom. You might as well accept your fate and jerk off to something good, at least—there are teen porn sites everywhere, but not all are created equal. Since you wouldn’t know a good thing if it slapped you across the face (just like Jenny did when you asked her out to prom), just follow my lead and check out xHamster Teen.

You might even see Jenny there. Just try not to get broken up over it. I’m sure she’s enjoying herself, and tears don’t make very good lube.

A Porn Pioneer

xHamster is old. I don’t mean it’s old like how your mommy says that your excuses for why you won’t grow up, get a job, and move out are old, but old in a good way. It’s distinguished, like a fine vintage of wine or an aged whiskey. It’s gotten better over the years, not worse—the Teen section of the site alone has literally hundreds of thousands of videos, and a lot of them are pretty damn good.

I know you spend a lot of time masturbating, but even you shouldn’t run out of content on xHamster Teen any time soon—especially when you consider that hundreds of videos are uploaded every single day. If you sort the site chronologically, you might run into some stinkers, but if you only look at the best, most viewed, and most commented on videos, the truly unwatchable stuff should mostly get weeded. Plus, once you’ve made an account and spent a few days on the site, xHamster will actually provide you with recommended videos that fulfill whatever fucked up fetish you’re into.

A majority of the site’s best videos are amateur. xHamster grew up in the early days of the internet as one of the best and easiest places to upload your own homemade porn, and that focus has continued to this day. You might be able to argue that other teen porn sites are better in other areas, but when it comes to a guy and a girl filming their after-school fuckfest on a smartphone, xHamster can’t be beaten.

But that isn’t everything they’ve got to offer. The site also has a pretty big collection of professional videos, both uploaded directly by producers and those “acquired” by good Samaritans and sneakily uploaded to xHamster in what I can only assume is a legal gray area. As I always say: don’t ask, don’t tell—I’m fairly certain that these sites that charge thirty dollars a month wouldn’t be happy to see their hard work made available for free on xHamster. However, I’m also not going to complain about free access to the types of unbelievably hot teens that only big-budget studios like Brazzers and Mofos can convince to fuck on camera.

Teenage Dream

xHamster isn’t beautiful, but it works—so I guess it only has one thing in common with you. They haven’t really modernized or updated the look of the site since dinosaurs roamed the earth, but it gets the job done. The filters, tags, and sorting tools are world-class, each page fits roughly a metric fuckton of video thumbnails, and each thumbnail can be moused over for a video preview. What more could you ask for?

The videos themselves aren’t as consistent as they would be on a paysite, but there are enough good ones that you won’t mind. I’d steer clear of the “Newest” section, which has a few too many videos shot by a guy who was so excited to be balls deep in teenage pussy to worry about getting any of it in the shot and stick to the stuff that has been more well-vetted by the site’s userbase. The same is true of the video quality—some videos are filmed with potatoes, while others are shot using cameras that cost more than your house. Thankfully, xHamster Teen lets you filter by quality too, so you should be able to concentrate on the good stuff fairly easily.

Oh, and they’ve got cam girls, too, if that’s what you're into. Your mileage may vary, but in my case, I was so charming, suave, and debonair that I was able to get a few of them to put on a show for free. Less blessed people might have to spend a bit (or a lot) of money in tips, though, so don’t go in expecting that these cute teens will fall in love with anything more than your wallet.

Dating A (Legal) Teen

I know I’ve been a bit mean to you over the years, but I’m going to try to change that right now. I’m going to help you out. On top of this veritable treasure trove of wet pussies and eager throats is a section of xHamster where you can find and date teen girls.

Let me rephrase that: teen girls who are of legal age in your jurisdiction. If you get a little bit too desperate and start hitting on girls who aren’t old enough to drive, don’t come crying to me asking to bail you out. So get out there, do your best to take a picture of yourself that won’t immediately cause every pussy within a ten-mile radius to shrivel up and close, and see what you can get for yourself.

And why do I think this might work? Honestly, the types of teen girls that are willing to debase themselves enough to date on xHamster are probably desperate enough to fuck somebody like you. Probably. No promises.

Regular or Premium?

It’s relatively new, so you may not have heard of it, but xHamster Teen actually has a premium version available. I, for one, have enough success with actual women that I don’t really see the need to pay extra when the site is already as good as it is, but if you’re the type to jerk off three or four times a day to try and mask your loneliness, it might be worth considering.

If that does sound like you, you’re in luck: xHamster Premium is one of the most affordable porn subscriptions around. A month-to-month subscription costs just ten dollars a month—cheap enough for even the saddest sacks to find room in their budget for. But, if somehow you’re that strapped for cash, you could always go with the best deal they have: if you prepay for twelve months, you’ll only be spending the equivalent of five dollars a month. Even you can afford that.

And if you can’t, just ask mommy to do me a favor or five, and maybe I’ll give you a little bit of an allowance if she makes me cum quick enough. Or, if you’re quick enough on the draw, the thirty-second previews that they have for a lot of the premium videos might be more your speed.